Invalid Coordinates
by bells
Summary: A short, humourous alternative ending to the sixth Star Trek movie.


_Author's notes: I'm not a Kirk fan. Like **really** not a kirk fan. So when I was forced to watch the entire 6th movie, I got a little bitter… Typically, I only watch next generation and the sexiest bald head in television ;)_

_P.S. all names and events are subject to the author's faulty memory. So please excuse any mistakes. If you point them out, I'll be happy to change things. i.e. such as names… Hopefully you'll enjoy this anyways._

_At the end of Star Trek 6, The enterprise who-knows-what-number, is ordered to space base to be decommissioned. Kirk and the rest of the crew are pretty much told to retire after saving the universe from war one last time. _

_Spock says"If I were human, I believe I would tell them to go to hell." He cocks an eyebrow, face perfectly devoid of any emotion. "IF I were human." _

_The ensign says"coordinates captain" with a big stupid smile on his face. _

_Kirk looks off into the distant, a half smirk on his face. A twinkle lights in his eye. With his oh so annoyingly cocky demeanor, he turns to the ensign and says"Second star to the right and straight on till morning." _

_Closing credits. Very touching. I felt moved... good thing the bathroom was nearby. :D __  
__Here's where **MY** version takes over... _

"Second star to the right and straight on 'till morning."

"Aye aye sir" I-Forget-His-Name Ensign turns to his consol and starts tapping buttons. A red light blinks at him.

"Um, captain sir"

Still staring off dramatically into the distance, Kirk replies absentmindedly. "Yes ensign"

"The computer says invalid coordinates."

A hush descends on the bridge. Kirk blinked once, almost turned, but remembered in time that he was suppose to be appearing awe inspiring.

"Well then, third star to the left. Straight on 'till Tuesday."

"Invalid also sir."

Truly alarmed, Kirk turned to I-Forget-His-Name ensign. Spock rolled his eyes and shook his head. Humans...

"Seven stars down"

"Invalid."

"Thirteen at a sixty degree angle"

"No can do."

"Pi to the left, four down and a loop-de-loop"

The ensign sadly shook his head.

"Anything"

The ensign smiled in relief. "I haven't tried that yet sir. It might just work. I guess that's why you're the captain"

Resuming his stoic pose, Kirk nodded his head with a faint smile. "I know..."

Turning back to his consol, the ensign began muttering under his breathe about stupid old men who need to learn when their careers are over and retire gracefully. Spock beckoned to McCoy and they left the bridge, looking slightly nauseated.

"Ah, sadly that didn't work either sir. May I suggest perhaps some more conventional coordinates before Star Fleet sends some ships after us"

A wounded expression crossed Kirk's face. "But this is my big moment. My final chance to stick it to Star Fleet and run for the metaphorical hills"

Resigned, the ensign cradled his head in his hands and thought about hard about crying.

"Oh fine, since it's obvious that I'm the ONLY one who wants to have fun here, lets just go back to space base. Unless the ensign is unable to plot those coordinates as well" Kirk glowered from his nice padded chair.

The just mentioned ensign ground his teeth together. "There's a problem with that also sir. It seems like we can't move backwards either. I think it may have to do with the fact that the Klingon's just shot the crap out of our ship but we haven't done any repairs. I suppose we should be thankful that they didn't hit any of our important systems. That might have put a damper on our intergalactic joy ride in a stolen vehicle."

Kirk slumped angrily in his chair. "Well that's just fine. I guess we'll just drift along until we happen to stumble into another daring adventure and I can save the day again with my daring do's and dashing personality." Immensely cheered by the prospect, Kirk sat up straight and almost seemed to bounce on his chair in anticipation.

"Aie, I think I need a stiff drink" Scotty mumbled as he left the bridge. Eager for any excuse to be someplace else, the ensign and black woman in short tight skirt jumped up to follow him.

Oblivious to the fact that he was suddenly alone, Kirk resumed his stoic pose.

Cue the credits.

But before the uplifting and inspirational music that is the star trek trademark closing finale could finish, a voice called out...

"I wonder if we'll meet any women"

Star Trek: Getting Captain Kirk laid for way too long…


End file.
